Not every fear is based on success and failure. Not everyone who is on the peak of success is happy. Not everyone who looks happy is stable. Not everyone who looks stable can handle the smallest of emotional attacks. It’s far more complicated than it seems. Sometimes all the reasons seem small to the ones who have never gone through such trauma. Sometimes things just build up, bit by bit, right from your childhood. I do not know if my experience will bring any light to what hundreds face but nevertheless I want to put it down somewhere, so that people do not make their own stories around my dead body.
Disclaimer: Only read if you really care for one’s mind talk.
Anxiety had taken over me. I was turning into someone I did not know. All I wanted was a support system then. Being away from the family in a different land had brought forth the worst in me. I was losing myself. I looked at my fears as a stranger and wondered where it was emerging from. I soon wrapped up everything and came back to be with my family, assuming that everything would come back to normal.
In my head, all I had was him and I wanted to be in his presence and hoped that he would be by me. That was when my worst fears unfolded right in front of me.
When I wanted him to be by my side, he asked me to find other friends and
be independent, resume dancing, find things that I liked doing. He said I was
too dependent on him and that I should let myself free. I did so, obediently.
My life had been revolving around him for some time now.
Although, it was not at all difficult for me to find new friends or connect with the older ones, as he might have presumed. I found many friends to speak to, to laugh with and to keep myself sane. Few of them got very close to my heart. I could share any deep secrets with them but my deepest fears never surfaced in our conversations. I kept acting. All the time something kept ringing non-stop in my head – Go find some friends for you.
But, somehow, the more friends I got, the lonelier I felt with each passing day. I had although, stopped asking him for his time, once and for all. I used to at least give him one call a day just to know how he was and tell him that I missed him. Yes, we lived in the same house and for many this gesture is just a disturbance as I learnt the hard way.
I stopped calling him on his phone, completely. Oh, why should I call him, when he was anyways coming home? Not that it bothered him at all. He looked happy with the new happenings. I being busy in my own space was indeed a relief for him, the less disturbance maybe.
I tried more and more to look happy, to be spending my own leisure time with my new found family of friends. But sometimes, unknowingly a trickle of tear gave away my hidden fears and I kept trying hard to portray a cheerful me.
Lately, I do not anymore feel like pretending. Damn the world. I do not care what people think. I do not want to look happy for anyone, anymore.
to be continued….
ThoughtsIJot 